She's the Wizard
by FatBottomedGirl
Summary: When Hermoine gets the chance of a lifetime to forward SPEW is she gonna let something small like gender get in her way? Never! Transforming herself into a Boy Gryffindor she discovers what goes on in the underworld that is a Hogwarts boy's twisted mind.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

_**PROLOGUE**_

Hermoine sighed and leaned her head against the tall armchair. Everything seemed so hopelessly pointless.

Was she having trouble with homework?

Of corse she wasn't.

Hardly anyone was interested in S.P.E.W.

While she in here struggling to think of appealing fundraiser ideas elves were out there in the real world, slaving for rich and selfish masters they might never be free of.

Neville came into the common room, his face covered in a stinky purple liquid and plopped down onto the armchair beside her.

Hermoine promptly let it disappear with a flick of her wand, without much interest or enthusiasm.

"What's wrong Hermoine?" Neville asked, "You seem a little distant,"

"Oh Neville, S.P.E.W is so important to me, I can't understand why it isn't to anybody else!" Hermoine sighed dramatically.

Neville was still exhausted from his encounter with the Slytherins who had blown a grime bomb into his round face only minutes before. But he still seemed eager to help his friend.

"Maybe you just need to let people see it in a perspective that will appeal to them," he said in an impressive tone. "Compare house-elves to other things that people think higher of like…goblins or centaurs! "Imagine if we treated centaurs and goblins this way" say that!"

Hermoine sighed again.

"That's just the thing! In the wizarding world those with power are too arrogant to use it properly! We think that wizards and witches are at the top of the food chain and all other creatures belong at the bottom to slave for us!"

Hermoine appreciated Neville's help, he was trying so hard after all. But she was just one girl. And one girl couldn't fight for something without an army.

"Gee Hermoine," Neville chuckled, "Your sounding just like a F.R.E.A.C!"

Hermoine lifted her head and passed a confused look at Neville.

"Did you just call me freak?"

"**Fighting** for **Rights** and **Equality** for **All** **Creatures**." He explained happy to know something she didn't.

"It's an organization for people who believe that all are equal and that we should all get our fair share of power!"

"Like communists?" Hermoine questioned eagerly.

"Um…"Neville began

"Never mind, Neville you must tell me more about F.R.E.A.C!" she said excitement building up inside her. This sounded like one promising army.

"Well, they particularly recruit wizard and witch youth. Like you and me. If you join now you could become a F.R.E.A.C influencer at the ministry! That means you canmake laws and bring them to court for the Minister to influence the magical world!" Neville went on.

"My uncle is an advertisement officer there, that's how I know so much about it, it's all he talks about. Christmas always turns out boring with him around." He paused for breath.

"Do you want to know more?"

Hermoine felt as if she had just opened a door to a whole new world of possibilities.

"Where do you think I could get involved?!" she could hardly contain her anticipation.

"Well," Neville started, enjoying her animation, "This is where it gets really good for you! I hear that F.R.E.A.C is coming around schools in Britain this year!"

Hermoine's eyes widened to the size of teacups, if this weren't Neville she'd be sure this was some horrible prank.

"They're coming h-here? To Hogwarts? Looking for young and talented witches interested in fighting for the rights and equality of all creatures?!" she gasped in a tiny voice.

"Yeah!! Well almost," Neville answered happily. "Young wizards! They're trying to even out the genders. But you should try out when they come here!!"

Hermoine had frozen and here grin began to melt like ice cream.

Neville paused. "Hey wait a minute!" he exclaimed after realising his mistake. "Only…Wizards…only…oh dear. Sorry…Hermoine…"

Hermoine was about to settle back into her foul depressed mood when she began to think. They were only _looking_ for wizards

"Neville?" she began cautiously, "What happens once you've been accepted?"

"Well, they get your details and give you an I.D card I think…" He began.

"With a picture?" she asked.

"What?"

"Does the I.D card come with a picture?" she replied patiently.

"Um… No, I don't think so, just your name and age…why does it matter?" he said slowly.

But Hermoine had already jumped out of her seat. She had a plan that would mark out the rest of her life, and it began with a trip to Professor McGonaggal.

Hermoine Granger would be leaving Hogwarts. And in her place would come Hugh Greggory.

**Meh. I hate Prologues. They end up so boring. I should have made Neville turn into a chicken or something...hey now that you mention it...**

Suddenly Hermoine heard an explosion of sound behind her. She whirled around to find a plump chicken wearing what looked like Nevilles robes.

"Uh...Hermoine? Little Help please? Buk buk!" it squaked before taking a white and mushy dump on her Transfiguration homework.

"You IDIOT!!" she screamed rushing over to her destroyed parchment before chasing the fat chicken with a board with a nail in it, that just happened to pop out of nowhere.

**Much better.**


	2. The craziest idea ever

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to anything in the context of anything.**

_**Chapter 1: The craziest idea ever.  
**_

Professor McGonnagal looked down through her spectacles with her tight lips curved into a confused smile.

"Could you just go through it one more time, Ms. Granger?" she said with teasingly pursed lips.

This was by far the craziest proposal a student had ever made to her…with exception of the time Fred and George had asked if the school could have a crazy dance off marathon in which nobody had lessons as long as they were dancing.

"Certainly Professor," Hermoine answered angelically.

"When F.R.E.A.C arrives at Hogwarts I'll have a full supply of polyjuice potion at hand, and will come to them as a young wizard. Once accepted, which I'm sure won't be any problem at all for me, they'll give me an I.D card with the name Hermoine Granger on it. This way I'll be able to enter Headquarters as myself." She paused for a breath before continuing.

"Since F.R.E.A.C will be here till the Christmas holidays I'll attend my lessons as this young wizard. However I won't keep the name Hermoine, I'll just make up some name of my own." She finished and smiled expectantly at Professor McGonnagal.

"Ms. Granger," She began sternly. "There are certain faults in what I'm sure is a very well thought out plan that I'd like to point out to you,"

Hermoine hid her astonishment, she'd never heard these words before in her life.

"How will you explain Hermoine's absence over a period of so many months?"

Hermoine's humeruos side was about to shout: "I am Hermoine you idiot!" when the serios side smacked it over the head with a boomerang.

"I suppose Hermoine is transferring for a short time to a school of academic excellence, and the young wizard could be transferring her," Hermoine replied. And the serious side smirked with satisfaction.

"Who would be the person your transforming into?" The Professor went on.

"I have two cousins about my age, I suppose I could transform into one of them…" Hermoine trailed off. She had no intention of transforming into one of her hippopotamus-sized cousins.

"That's all well and good but F:R.E.A.C arrives in 3 weeks. Not _nearly _enough time to brew polyjuice potion for so many months!"

Hermoine hadn't known this, but didn't let it show.

"Well I'll just do it the old fashioned way then, wig, baggy robes, the good old sock in the…" Hermoine trailed of again. Saying "pants" in front of this teacher was practically a swear. The humerous side of her had its mouth taped shut with spellotape, thank goodness.

"Ms. Granger, if you truly believe that you can achieve this, that you are strong enough to go through with this, then I have no intention of stopping you achieving your goal," said the professor." I can organise the imaginary transfers and such, but you'll have to do the rest yourself."

Hermoine jumped out of her seat and squealed with delight at these words.

"Now, Ms. Granger, that's hardly how I expect a teenage wizard to behave!" barked Professor McGonnalgal.

Hermoine muttered some words of apology before rushing out in a trance of happiness. She was going to be the prime force of influence in the Ministry one day, and it all started now.

* * *

Harry let his toast fall to the floor. Ron spilled his juice all down the front of his shirt. Ginny missed her spoon full of cereal and plunked it into her eye instead. Neville burped heartily and then, seeing that every-one else was shocked decided to gasp in surprise.

Hermoine attempted to smile at the reactions to her "good" news but ended up with a sort of lopsided expression one might get after sneezing. They were having breakfast in the Great Hall, and Hermoine had just broke the news of her imaginary transfer…minus the imaginary.

"Your…l-leaving?" Harry stuttered.

"In O.W.L Year?" Ron gasped.

"Transfer? You can't transfer to another school!" Ginny whispered in disbelief.

"Good on you Hermoine!" Neville said cheerfully slapping her on the back and ending up with his elbow in her cereal.

"Maybe this way you could become a member of F.R.E.A.C after all!" he suggested.

"Yes, that's the plan. I talked to Professor McGonnagal and she said that if I transferred to Phoenixans College in Scotland, I could apply for F.R.E.A.C any time since their headquarters lies literally just down the road." Hermoine attempted to lure the others into a new topic.

"H-Hermoine!" Ron stammered, " You can't be serious! It's O.W.L year and Flitwick said if I don't start paying attention in class…and Snape's been saying…and don't get me started on history of magic and…. IT'S O.W.L YEAR!!"

"I'm sorry Ron but none of that is my fault," Hermoine huffed unhappily. "And I expected you to be unhappy about my absence, not your _grades_!"

"We're going to miss you terribly," Ginny and Neville said obediently.

Hermoine shot Ron a glare but before they got into an argument Harry jumped in.

"Hermoine, it's not that we aren't going to miss you or anything but without you to keep us in line we're going to be as bad in school as N-"

He was about to say Neville but relised he was right there beside him.

"As Nobody else in school?" Ginny suggested as Harry's rescue.

"It's interesting that usually if I even suggest the word homework to the lot of you, you'll give me the cold shoulder all evening. But the second I say I might not be here a few months to do just that you all go ballistic!" Hermoine cried.

"But its _O.W.L _year!" Ron exclaimed sceptically.

"Oh Hermoine, it's going to be so dull without you!" Ginny rushed over to hug her.

Harry gave her a silent one-armed hug and Neville slapped her on the back again, this time landing his other elbow in a jar of jam.

Ron seemed to be studying his juice with such fascination and supposed bitterness that he stayed and sulked opposite Hermoine.

Trying to ignore him she said: "Anyway, I'll be back before Christmas. And besides, perhaps you'll make friends with the student replacing me. You'll get to talk about S.P.E.W. with them! I'm sure they've heard about F.R.E.A.C as well!"

When the bell rang signalling the end of breakfast Hermoine got up, "I'll see you in Potions," she said as if it _weren't _2 hors of torture.

"Great," Ron mumbled to Harry, Ginny and Neville. "The one thing we wont miss about Hermoine is staying here: bloody Spew!"

As he and Neville paced down to the dungeons Harry and Ginny were left behind.

"That's so sweet!" Ginny giggled.

"What, spew? You're kidding," Harry asked, confused.

"He said he's going to miss everything about Hermoine! My brother is so pathetically sweet,"

"What?" Harry asked, even more confused, "He didn't even say…what are you on about Ginny?"

Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Your almost as bad as him! And to think I liked you once!"

She skipped of to her lessons in a way that reminded Harry of Luna Lovegood. He stood dazed and had to sit down with all this confusion.

**Hmmm...I might just add one more thing...**

As Harry finally walked down the corridor leading to Snapes classroom he haerd (and smelt) a small explosion coming from the classroom. Seconds later draco Malfoy rushed out, being chased by what looked like an over-sized Chicken with tight school robes on.

"That'llteach you for throwing a grime bomb in _my _face!!" yelled the Devil Neville Chicken.

**I like chicken's. Review if you want, but try to use the word mayonaise in the review plz...if u can.**


	3. Military Operations

**I don't own any of these characters. And the sad thing is I don't even own the plot do I?**

If Hermoine was going to go through with this - she thought to herself during her free period that afternoon - she was going to have to handle preparations like she would a military operation.

Truth be told she didn't exactly know a lot about military operations but she did know how to make simple things sound impressively complex.

So the following three weeks were planned, organised, and spent like this:

**PHASE 1: Props**

Hermoine purchases a never-ending capacity wig with dark brown hair and a fringe.

She also buys Hairy Cream, which conjures facial hair to the arrears in which it is applied.

She proceeds to by school pants and other male uniform necessities. Plus a bicep-belt.

Also she buys voice changing toothpaste, 12 hour voice distorting power allows her to speak like a man, boy, girl, woman or horse.

**PHASE 2: Practise, Practise, Practise**

Hermoine observes Ron's everyday movements and gestures. Ron is secretly overjoyed at the constant attention that he is receiving.

Hermoine sneaks into abandoned classrooms whenever she can and performs the strut, the scowl, the yawn, the talk, the scream, the smirk and other useful everyday things.

**PHASE 3: Penetrating the mind**

Hermoine begins to imagine herself as a boy and changes her way of thinking about everything around her.

She tries to imagine homework not all that important and lessons boring.

She learns about Quidditch and thinks about the importance it could have in her life if it weren't a bunch of nonsense. And soon after she is ready to not only act the male teenager, but also _be _the male teenager.

* * *

"Granger, what the hell are you doing?!"

Hermoine looked up from observing the way Draco Malfoy's hips almost didn't move when he walked – she was in the middle of Phase 2 - when she realised she'd been following him for more than ten minutes…and looking at his but.

"I was uh…" Hermoine began but could not think of an excuse for why she had been staring at his arse for ten minutes.

She tried to think what Ron or Harry might say to this question but was sure they had never been in this situation before either.

Malfoy was smirking in a way she'd never seen before. It was cocky…teasing…confident…Wait she'd seen it millions of times before.

"Of course I can't blame you or anything, If I may say so myself, but try to resist the urge to stare at my arse in public? Loss of dignity for both you and me," He smirked.

Crap

"Really more so for you, _Draco_," she began, pretending to be confident, "It may have passed your attention but you've got toilet paper hanging out of your trousers. Try avoiding that in future will you? Loss of dignity, you see,"

As she watched the colour drain from his face she flicked her wand discreetly and murmured a quick conjuring spell, leaving a long scroll of parchment hanging from his belt.

As the onlooking students erupted in laughter and Draco's face changed into some sort of multi-coloured movie festival, she ducked into the next hallway, escaping the hilarious scene.

* * *

"Hermoine that's really starting to get on my nerves you know!" Ron erupted during dinner.

Hermoine had been eating the same thing as him and slouching just like he was. Mimicking everything he did.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Your copying everything I do! Every bite, every swallow, every …everything!" he shouted.

"Wow, will you chill out, man?" she replied instinctively like she thought her male double would reply.

Ron's face turned blank. Harry and Ginny turned away from their conversation to stare at her. Padma and Lavender, who were sitting nearby giggled and whispered something to each other.

Hermoine became aware of the confused gazes pointed at her and excused herself from the table.

"Like, time for me to blow this Tupperware party, dudes. You down with that?"

* * *

Hermoine looked at herself in the mirror. She had put on her dark brown wig and creamed on some side burns and bushy eyebrows. Along with that she'd changed into the male uniform ensemble and wore her bicep-belt.

A bicep-belt is what very puny guys strap around their waist to make it look like they have abs. Once worn it slithers up the chest and around the shoulders and upper arms to form a realistic imitation of a body-builder.

Hermoine was using it to give her torso a masculine touch.

She looked unrecognisable. She still had her sweet feminine chin and girly eyes, but somehow these just fit together to make up his face.

Hugh's face. Hugh Greggory's perfect face…Nice

"Hey," she attempted to start a conversation with a suit of armour beside her, keeping her expression bored.

"Nice er… uniform you got there? Fully retarded if you ask me, I mean seriously," she rolled her eyes and scoffed, "Everyone's got to wear the same thing, I mean, what is up with that?!"

She glanced at herself in the mirror and licked her lips flirtatiously while twitching her eyebrows toward the ceiling.

She'd remembered this move from Cedric Diggory last year during the Yule Ball. After a dance with Cho he had begun a conversation with one of his friends and then glanced like that at Hermoine.

Only then did it strike her that he may actually have been flirting with _her._

She turned her gaze back to the suit of armour.

"Them Quidditch uniforms are rad though, I wish we could all totally pimp out our uniforms to look like _that_".

"Will you SHUT UP?!" The suit of armour replied angrily.

Hermoine stumbled backwards and blushed deeply.

"Oh, um…er…sorry there Mr…." She waited for it to reply but when it didn't she continued, "Mr. Suit of armour, sir, you weren't um…watching while I was getting changed in here were you?"

It continued with silence. _Creepy_. Hermoine rushed behind the desk and changed back into her normal self before hurrying off down the corridor, her face still the colour of beetroot.

* * *

The day had come, her trunk was packed and she was ready.

She was scared to death, and had no idea what was going to happen next.

But she decided she would get up and face this new adventure, like a man.

**Two seconds please…**

NEVILLE TURNED INTO A CHICKEN!!!! QUACK QUACK!!!!

**Sorry about that.**

**Sixtoe22 if ur reading this you'll of liked those last words (This new adventure, like a man) haha get it? Guess not…**

**Those Cedric + Hermoine fans out there…it might interest u 2 know that he's not dead. If u were wondering, that is. RR if u want.**


	4. Bending the Rules

**Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own any of it.**

Hundreds of trees were between Hugh and Hogwarts. Professor McGonagall had told Hugh that he should wait for the horseless carriage and let it travel up to the castle and wait for a person of authority to guide her to Dumbledore's office.

_I am the man._ She thought to herself as the horseless carriage carried her –or _him­_- back to Hogwarts.

She stepped out and picked up her trunk. _I am the man._

She walked up to the huge gates and waited for a teacher or prefect to escort her to the castle. _I am the man._

She waited some more. _I am the man._

And then the one person she did not want to see came along and peered at him through the gates. "Who are you?" asked Draco Malfoy with a sneer.

"I am the man!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, um, exchange student from, um, My names um…Hugh Gregory…I" she realized she was stuttering. No! She couldn't be stuttering, she was the man for goodness sake.

"If you raise that eyebrow of yours any higher I think it might join that greasy mop festering on your head," Hugh Gregory said coolly, leaning on the gate.

"Greasy Mop? Shut your face! I mean, um, wait till my father hears about this…"

"Not interested pretty boy, are you gonna open the gate or are your toothpick arms not ready for that kind of weight?"

The tables had turned. Hugh was in control. Draco was beneath her. Excellent.

Draco flicked his wand and the enormous gates creaked open. Hugh picked up her bags and strode past him.

Draco continued scowling as he stepped into pace with Hugh.

"These are the grounds. Hufflepuffs hang about here. Stay clear of them. Ravenclaws you'll find in the library, Gryffindors sometimes gather in the Great Hall. Steer clear of both of those freaks. And us Slytherins own the school. We're everywhere."

Hugh rounded on the arrogant prefect.

"It seems to me that you're trying to bias my opinion in your favor. I don't really appreciate that you know." She spat.

Draco smirked.

"You and I got off on the wrong foot I'd say. I know this school like I know my face. I can be of great help to you. You look like a Slytherin to me. What do you say?" he said with an outstretched hand. "Truce?"

Hugh was about to yell back at him telling him that he spends far to much time in front of a mirror if he knows his face so well but she had a thought.

"Truce." They shook hands and Draco led him to Dumbledore's office. This meant she was one step ahead of the Slytherins, and Umbridge.

* * *

"Now Mr. Gregory, I'm sure you've been told of our four houses and I'm sure you've already decided which you'd like to be part of." Dumbledore said through his half-moon glasses.

Hugh had just sat down in the chair opposite the headmaster's desk. She spied the sorting hat on it and wondered if she'd be placed in Gryffindor.

"Oh, I thought I'd automatically be placed in Gryffindor?" she asked confused.

Dumbledore gazed at her with mock confusion.

"Why is that, young Mr. Gregory?"

"Well, I' already been selected for Gryffindor, the Sorting hat put me there…" she responded. Was it even possible that he didn't know what house she was in?

"I have no clue what you might be talking about." He answered with the same confusion.

"Professor Dumbledor, sir, Professor McGonagall did tell you about my plan right?" she inquired.

"Whatever you are trying to tell me will have to wait, we need to talk of your house!" he said. _Hmm._ No sternness. No mockery. You could tell nothing from his voice, only the twinkle in his knowing eyes.

"I shall place this hat - the sorting hat, we call it – on your head and it will analyze your character and place you in your correct house." He explained.

Hugh nodded promptly and Dumbledore handed her the hat to put on herself. She lowered it over her trimly cut wig and over her untidy fringe.

"We meet again Ms. Granger" came a soft voice in her ear . For a moment she forgot she was Hermoine and looked at Dumbledore questioningly.

"Okay then I'll call you Hugh if you prefer." The hat said in her ear. She blushed.

"Now I understand you fit many of the categories for all houses. Courage. Intelligence. A strong and vivid persistence. And you _can _be humble…" – Hermoine restrained from slapping her own head – "But I suppose what really counts is what you want to bring out within yourself."

_What I'd like to bring out within myself?_

"Yes, that's exactly what I said."

_Well…um…my…er… I suppose my humbleness…and courage…and intelligence…and my strong and vivid persistence…_

"Well that was irritatingly unhelpful," the hat replied.

_But what if…_

"Yeeeeeees?"

_Would it be possible to bend the rules a little?_

"Rules are there to be bent. Bend it like Bacham in my opinion. What did you have in mind?"

_Well…what if _– Hermoine's heart pace quickened – _I could take a turn in all of them?_

Silence.

_I could be in …Hufflepuff until Christmas, come back in Ravenclaw, then be in Slytherin and then Gryffindor!_

Silence.

Hello?………………………………Hat?

"That is the craziest idea I've ever heard somebody think!" it declared. "You've got a deal!"

* * *

That is how Hermoine came to be sitting, still dressed as Hugh, in the Hufflepuff common room.

It was on the first floor, with huge windows overlooking the grounds. There were a lot of plants growing on the walls and instead of a fireplace they had a bonfire in the middle of the room. Birds were flying around in the seemingly open aired ceiling.

She sat on a mahogany armchair by the fire. She had Hogwarts a History propped up on her lap but found it hard to ignore these new surroundings.

"Doing a little research there?" asked a deep voice behind her. She froze, she new this voice and it had always made her uneasy.

It belonged to Cedric Diggory. He had been in the Triwizard Tournament with Harry, Fleur and Viktor.

_Oh, Viktor._

Viktor, Cedric and Harry had grasped the cup together and Viktor had been murdered. Cedric had helped Harry out of the maze. He had held Viktor's corpse in his arms. And as he approached, Hermoine turned, and the image of his tattered clothing and her first love in his arms flashed through her head.

"Trying to, I keep having to make sure the birds aren't gonna take a dump on my head," she said, starring at him. She must of looked slightly deranged.

He laughed. A beautiful laugh it was.

"Yeah I get that sometimes." He smiled.

"You do?" she asked, she closed her book as to take her gaze from him.

"No. Never. It must just be some mad paranoia of yours," he smirked, good-naturedly.

She laughed.

"So your interested in F.R.E.A.C, are you?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm guessing I'm about to get teased?" she answered.

"Not at all!" he exclaimed, "I'm enrolling too! I'm so glad I've finally found somebody who shares my views!"

And they talked until midnight. And they got along like best friends. And Hermoine forgot she Hugh, forgot to be uncomfortable around him and found that she could be herself.

**Cedric lovers: I've got something for you.**

**Malfoy lovers: I've got something for you.**

**Ron lovers: I've got something for you.**

**Harry lovers: I have no respect for you at all….kidding, that was mean.**


	5. The Umbridge Arena Spectacular

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Harry Potter owns me.**

The next morning Harry and Ron found seats in the Great Hall from which they could observe the Hufflepuff table. News traveled fast in Hogwarts and by now, they knew Hugh Gregory's name, house, and sexual orientation… at least that's what _some _smug sixth year girl had claimed…

He was approached by many curious students, it wasn't all too often that Hogwarts got exchange students and everyone seemed to want to get a look at this unknown face.

Harry and Ron watched as a group of giggling fourth year girls came up to him and introduced themselves flirtatiously. He seemed a little nervous and even frightened at all this unwanted attention.

"What. A. Tosser." Ron spat.

Harry glanced at him.

"Well, look at him!" Ron exclaimed, pointing at him with huge angry eyes. "He's getting all that girl attention, right there, he's such a bloody player!"

"Um… Ron I don't think he _wants _all that _girl attention_" Harry said as Hugh Gregory hid under the table after seeing another group of girls pointing and whispering.

"Are you kidding?!" Ron exploded, tipping over his orange juice. "He's eating it up! He's playing it cool! He's being the man! He's – "

"Hiding under the table, Ron" Harry cut him off, motioning to the cowering boy under the Hufflepuff table.

Ron scoffed in reply and pulled out his quill and ink and began scribbling something on his serviette. Harry read it over his shoulder.

_Dear Hermoine,_

_The guy replacing you is a total tool. Seriously. First he goes flirting with all these random chicks and then he hides under the bloody table. And he was eating porridge! Who eats porridge?! What an idiot. Please hurry back. There's no way I'd be friends with someone like that. I bet he can't tell the front of his broomstick from the back!_

_Just thought I'd tell you how much it sucks without you,_

_Ron_

He rolled it up and asked Dean Thomas for his owl which had just delivered him "The Daily Prophet".

"Ron, is there much point in telling Hermoine about a boy she's never met?"

Ron didn't pay attention and posted it immediately.

"I cant stand this idiot. Hermoine needs to know what fools she's messing with by joining this FREAK thing!" Ron pouted and crossed his arms triumphantly.

Harry's eyes trailed after the owl until it was almost out the window. Then it did the horrificallt unexpected and swerved into a U-turn and swooped down on the Hufflepuff table…right in front of Hugh Gregory.

Hugh had just surfaced back to his breakfast, as the owl stretched out its leg on which a scrunched up serviette was tied.

He unraveled it with a confused face.

Harry looked at Ron. He was staring at Hugh with such a pale face that his freckles blurred with the rest of his skin.

Hugh's eyes scanned the note, widened and then narrowed. Then they clouded over with what Harry saw as uneasiness. And then, in a very amusing manner, did he skeptically look directly at Ron who dived under the table, spilling Harry's porridge.

* * *

Hugh paced back and forth along the huge stone viaduct. Tool? Idiot? How could Ron have formed these opinions so fast? It wasn't her fault that she'd never had girls flirt with her before! That was if you didnt count that horrid sumer camp her parents had sent her to once...

This was going to turn into a problem. Not just Ron's hate but also the fact that all letters that he wrote to her would go to Hugh. Ron would be sure to suspect something!

But that wasn't the issue at the moment. Right now she had to earn her friends' friendship. But how? How did you earn someone's friendship if they already thought you were a total idiot for eating porridge?! It would be like a basilisk trying to befriend a spider! Like Harry trying to befriend Umbridge! Like a –

_Umbridge.

* * *

  
_

_Hello!_

_You are invited to the Umbridge Arena spectacular!_

_Be at the Stone Circle straight after dinner this Friday and watch in wonder!_

_Spread the word! Invite your friends! But keep it quiet!_

_This stunt was brought to you by the Weasley Twins and one anonymous prankstar._

Harry read over Ron's shoulder and the two swapped confused looks.

"Arena Spectacular?"

"Anonymous prankstar?"

"What are the two of you reading?" asked Neville from the corner of the common room.

Harry grinned at Ron and stepped onto the table they were sitting at.

"Attention all Umbridge haters! Next Friday is the day we've all been waiting for! The day where Umbridge gets a piece of her own medicine! Be at the Stone Circle after dinner next Friday! Bring all of your friends!" he shouted across the packed common room.

As Harry hopped of the table to face Ron he heard the voice of Seamus behind him: "See! I told you he was a mental case!" but he decided to let it slide on account of his good mood.

* * *

Ron jumped up and down on the spot. He and Harry had left dinner early to get front row seats. Ron was highly anticipating the Umbridge humiliation. Harry seemed caught up on the "Anonymous Prankstar"

"Who cares Harry?" Ron asked as the green hill started to fill with eager students, all too excited to sit down against one of the stone pillars like they ordinarily would.

"I bet it's just some random who helped Fred and George! Its probably Lee Jordan!"

Harry grumbled and looked around him. The place was packed. For a moment he thought that maybe they'd all been had, that this was the joke, that nothing would happen, but then…

A tremendous shriek boomed out at them Harry whirled round to see where it had come from. His eyes met the Whomping Willow.

Limbs flailing, roots unearthing and a fat little spot stuck right in the middle. _Umbridge._

Harry couldn't believe his eyes. How in the world had the Weasley Twins gotten Professor Umbridge to go to the Whomping Willow? Was she really that dumb? Had they tricked her? Threatened her? Used the Imperious curse on her?

A thin branch reached into the crevice Umbridge was cowering in and pulled her out by the ankles, something her loose-fitting skirt didn't agree with, a sight that resulted in screeches of laughter from students of all four houses.

The branch holding her swirled her around in circles like a lasso, then it twisted it twisted and until it could twist no more, and then it untwisted at an incredible speed, this time it was Umbridge that was screeching.

It threw her in the air for another branch to catch. Then that branch threw her high again and the next branch caught her. Then it repeated this a few times until the enormous tree was juggling a terrified Professor Umbridge.

Before Harry and Ron could finish laughing their asses off the tree held Umbridge still and brought a fist like branch swinging directly at her stubby little body.

Shrieks off terror turned to shrieks of pain and several female students (and Neville) squealed with fear.

The tree raised the branch holding Umbridge high above its head and tried to smack her body down on the ground –which Harry knew would defiantly have killed her. But before she could splatter on the ground a voice from behind them shouted: Depulso!

The branch was launched backwards with an immense force and Umbridge was sent hurtling into the black lake.

For a moment it looked as if she mightn't surface, the crowd fell silent in a very cliché suspense. Then a giant tentacle lifted a spluttering woman out of the lake and gently dropped her on the shore.

The crowd erupted in cheers, and then began laughing once more as Umbridge squirmed about like a dying turtle, trying to lift itself up.

And although the laughs and good moods lasted for the whole of next week, at that moment everyone fled before Umbridge could get off her fat ass and give them all detention.

* * *

"Fred, George! That was amazing!" Ron exclaimed when they saw the twins later. Harry nodded in agreement.

"Besides that almost committing murder part of it, it was the funniest thing all year! How'd you get Umbridge to come to the Whomping Willow?"

"Easy!" George laughed clapping his brother on the back. "We told her we'd seen a man transform into a black dog by the Whomping Willow!"

"She believed that? She actually thought Sirius Black was in the school?!" Ron asked amused.

"Ate it up like a toad eats flies!" The lot of them laughed.

"How the hell did you come up with this? And how'd you two cast such a powerful Depulso?" Harry asked.

Fred and George exchanged looks. "Actually the anonymous prankstar was running this operation, we were just in it for laughs,"

"Who was it?" Ron and Harry said together. And by the way they swear on their lives they didn't practice that line!

"That new one, Gregory! Said he'd like to humiliate Umbridge! We were only glad to help,"

And that is how the rest of that day was occupied with Ron rambling about how fabulous this Hugh must be and how he'd known since the day he'd arived that he would be a living legend. And eventually how Hugh Gregory had made friends with his two best friends.

**Yay! Take that Umbridge! My favorite part was the breakfast scene. What did you lot reckon?**


	6. Book, rainbow and girl talk

"Hey Gregory!" Malfoy shouted from the other end of the corridor. "I talked too Snape and he reckoned he could get you a permanent position on the Slytherin team! Am I or am I not the greatest friend you'll ever have?"

"Hugh-meister!" George Weasley called to him as she walked past him, "Our puking pastels have been marked down for price! Are you interested?"

"Hey Hugh?" cooed Parvati Patil from somewhere behind her. "Your not going to be going to Hogsmeade all by yourself are you?"

"Yo Hugh!" Ron yelled as he joined him in his catwalk. "Is it true that you and Lavender Brown are an item?"

"That's what I heard!" giggled Hannah Abbot who immediately blushed and looked down once Hugh looked at her.

"Hugh!" Cedric Diggory waved to her from where he stood, leaning against the wall with a paperback in hand.

Hugh grinned as she saw the title and realized she had read it in the last summer. She told Ron she would meet him and Harry in the library after lunch and strode over to her newly acquainted friend.

"It's a Centaur Thing, You Wouldn't Understand?" Hugh read from the title of the tattered book.

Cedric flashed a brilliant smile at her.

"Yeah, it's hilarious, It's about this wizard who finds this –"

"I didn't know you were into romance," she said, pretending to find it amusing like Ron would.

"Don't go pretending to find that funny," he laughed, "If you can already tell it's a romance then you must have already read it yourself, Romeo,"

This caught Hugh of guard, sometimes it was hard to act like a guy around Cedric, it was so much easier to just, well, be herself.

"Yeah, maybe I have." Hugh admitted as the two of them began to walk to the Great Hall. "Usually I don't really buy that romantic crap, it's just kind of unrealistic and predictable, you know?"

"That's what I like about this one though, its not all romance, so its not all romantic crap," Cedric mused light-heartedly.

"And the romantic crap that they do have isn't all crap, just a little crap,"

"Its mostly mystery, and then just this little bit of crap!"

"Like a bit of crap on the bottom of your shoe," Hugh laughed, careful though, not to giggle.

"Like a micro crap!" Cedric added.

"Mini-crap!"

"Air born crap!"

"Newborn crap!"

"Embryo crap!"

"Excuse me, gentlemen?" Professor McGonagall's stern voice echoed through the now silent and empty hallway, "Watch your language,"

"Crap," they both said together before bursting into a fit of laughter that left Hugh completely forgetting the fact that she was supposed to be a teachers pet.

* * *

Since becoming Hugh Gregory, Hermoine's life as a student had been completely rearranged.

She used to be loved by all the teachers, hated by all the Slytherins, been envied by Ravenclaw and been seen somewhat as a nerd by the rest of the school.

Now she was a nuisance and annoyance to the teachers, accepted by the Slytherins (thanks to Malfoy and her truce) and envied by the whole school.

She was smart, popular and apparently good-looking. Had she ever been good-looking before? Maybe it was only now that people noticed her that they noticed she was good-looking.

Even though it seemed half the school wanted to sit with her at lunch she always sat at the Hufflepuff table with Cedric. The two of them were discussing why people would take away house points for "bad language" if they didn't add house points for "good language".

"We should go around saying words like rainbow and pony! See if McGonagall will add house points for that!" Hugh suggested as she nibbled on a sandwich.

"What a load of pony is that? That guy can be a real rainbow!" Cedric added with mock anger.

"Sometimes I just want to flower him right in his cuddly bunny slippers!"

"And then Eskimo kiss him in the basket of kittens until his chocolate chip cookies fall off and –"

Cedric's face fell and he coughed up the sausage that he had evidently just choked on. His face turned slowly into about 9 shades of red and he looked down at his lunch immediately, banging his face into his mashed potato (and those of you wondering if "mashed potato" is a fluffy cover up word for a different and naughty word…shame on you)

Hugh raised one of her artificial eyebrows and turned to see what had caused this reaction.

Cho Chang had just gotten up and had apparently decided to come say hello to Cedric. She stood with her bag in hand and both her eyebrows raised at the sentence "Eskimo kiss him in the basket of kittens until his chocolate chip cookies fall off,"

She walked off without saying hello to Cedric or his mashed potato face.

"You…get easily embarrassed don't you?" Hugh asked cautiously.

"That was _Cho Chang!_" he muttered shakily as he glanced up to Hugh. "Cho Chang heard me talking like a…like a…"

"Like a rainbow?"

Cedric shuddered.

"I don't think that's what scarred her, Ced…I think its more the choking and gagging and blushing and hiding."

"I think I repulse the entire female gender!" he grumbled.

"That's _highly _unlikely. Cedric have you seen yourself? You're a lady magnet!"

"Yeah, he's pretty till he talks," Cedric muttered darkly.

"Come on, why would you even have problems talking to Cho? I thought the two of you were already…you know…"

Cedric chuckled without humor.

"Not bloody likely. Last year, at the Yule ball, _she_ asked _me_ out to make Potter jealous. I'm completely obsessed with her and she probably thinks I'm some kind of…some kind of…"

"Some kind of pony?" Hugh suggested, trying to bring back Cedric's carefree mood.

"I can't talk to her, I can't impress her, I can't –"

"Come on, Cedric, you'll never get her to like you with that kind of attitude." Hugh said encouragingly. "And you'll defiantly never get her to like you if you react like _that_ every time you see her!"

"Then what do you propose we do?"

"Practice, practice makes perfect,"

"And who am I supposed to practice on?"

"Ron." Hugh exclaimed loud enough for Ron to hear and trot over with Harry at his side.

"Ron?" Cedric asked with more than a hint of disgust.

"Yeah?" Ron replied cheerfully.

"Pretend to be a girl for a moment, Cedric wants to ask you to Hogsmeade," Hugh ordered.

Ron and Cedric both shot appalled glances at each other and then at Hugh. Harry was left twiddling his thumbs in the sidelines.

"Why me?" they complained.

Hugh groaned and looked at Harry. "Fine," he said, "Harry's the girl and I'll ask her to Hogsmeade,"

"I thought we were already going to Hogsmeade together," Harry stated looking confused and as if he just wanted to return to the thumb twiddling.

"You lot are making this more difficult than it has to be, talking to us girls isn't that complicated, you know!"

"_Us _Girls?" Ron called upon Hugh's mistake. _Crap._

Before she could correct herself Ginny came to the rescue and giggled at Ron's words.

"_Us Girls_? Why Ron, I always thought you were really my sister!"

"Ginny? This lot seems a little sexually confused actually," Hugh grinned leaning just the tinniest bit closer to Ginny. "Mind if I go with you to Hogsmeade, I'm afraid these guys are gonna hit hair salon,"

Ginny cocked her eyebrows and laughed, flicking her hair subtly in the process.

"Sure. I'd hate for you to have to listen to 2 hours of my brothers girl talk,"

"You're my savior,"

As Ginny walked away from the group all their expressions changed. Ron: Astonishment. Harry: Anger. Cedric: Respect.

"See, piece of cake," Hugh shrugged. "Now all you need to do is start up a cute n' casual with Cho and ask her out!"

"And all you need to do is go on a date with Ginny," Cedric smirked and both Ron and Harry seemed very uncomfortable with this arrangement.

"Like I said, piece of cake!"

Hugh was looking forward to some quality girl time, even if it was interpreted wrongly…

**And that's the end of chapter 6! Thanks for reading!...but it's missing something...oh yes! Neville went to visit his grandma in the last chapter so we couldnt see him turn to chicken! sorry about that, lets just blame Neville shall we?**

"Hi guys whats up?" Neville croaked from behind them.

"We're talking about girls and asking them out!" Harry replied happily, as if he'd actually taken part in the converstaion.

"Girls? Where?!?!" Neville cried and turned into a chicken with fear. Harry decided to play a board game by taking a wooden board with a nail in it and chasing Neviile with it.

**Aaaah...no my mind is at rest.**


	7. 60 kilo penguin asking out Cho Chang

**I own absolutely no rights to Harry Potter, they all belong to J.K Rowling and Warner Brothers. Both are incredibly talented people/companies that deserve much praise. J.K Rowling, you are a legend, and Warner Brothers, you portray the books as outstanding films. Congratulations!**

The weekend that F.R.E.A.C came to Hogwarts for the first time was in the week that Hugh transferred to Ravenclaw. It was also the weekend of the Hogsmeade trip that she and Ginny were going to share. And as this weekend drew closer, it became more apparent that Cedric was never going to ask out Cho Chang.

Cedric was sitting in one of the wooden armchairs in the Hufflepuff common room; he had a pile of cue cards, a thick portfolio and a professional manner.

"Whatcha doing Ced?" she asked, plopping down on the chair beside him.

"Getting ready for the whole F.R.E.A.C tryout this Sunday," he half-mumbled at the portfolio in his lap.

"Have you asked out Chang yet?"

He cleared his throat and closed his portfolio, accidentally dropping it on the floor. Before he could scramble down in an _unprofessional_ manner, Hugh interrupted.

"Answer the question, Cedric." She demanded.

Cedric sighed and sat back up. "Why do you want to know?"

"Cedric!" she whined, though still in a masculine sort of way. "You've had two weeks time!"

"Well it's not as if I haven't tried," Cedric defended himself.

"You haven't approached her once, were you trying to ask her out telepathically?" Hugh scoffed.

"Do you think that would work?" Cedric perked up in his chair.

Hugh answered him with a long silence, that – if I check correctly in the dictionary of Hermoine Granger dressed as a Hufflepuff boy – meant: "Your utter patheticness is leaving me speechless and I must take a moment to control my disgust" but can be translated to "We have a lot of work to do"

"Cedric?"

"Yeah?"

"The folder and the cue-cards, they're not actually for F.R.E.A.C are they?"

Cedric grimaced sadly and shook his head like a man confessing to murder.

"Hugh?"

"Yeah?"

"When are you moving to Ravenclaw?"

"Tomorrow evening…why?"

"Well if you're as good with women as you say you are then maybe you could…"

"You want me to ask her out for you?"

"U-huh,"

"Of course you do, you sad girl,"

"Will you?"

"Fine,"

And with that Cedric through his cue cards into the air and did his own little victory dance around the fire. _How in heck did he pass of pathetic for cute for so long???_

_

* * *

_Cho bit her lip in concentration. This wasn't the first time she'd been stuck on one of the questions she needed to answer in order to get into the common room.

_If a werewolf is a man who turns into a wolf and back every full moon, what is a wolf who turns into a man every full moon? _

She glared at the eagle shaped doorknocker as if her hostility would intimidate it into opening the door for her. It didn't. _Typical_.

Something thumped behind her and she turned to see somebody's trunk at the top of the spiral staircase. Footsteps approached and the new boy stepped after his trunk, tucking away his wand and smiling at Cho.

"Forget the password?" he asked her. So Rossette had been right, he was moving into the Ravenclaw Tower.

"We don't do passwords, instead smart-ass here insists on asking us stupid open-ended questions," she explained.

The Golden doorknocker repeated the question for Gregory. He listened carefully and put on a thinking face…_He does a good thinking face…_

"What did you say?" Gregory asked her. _Oh shoot_, did she say that out loud?

"Oh Nothing! I was just um… thinking about…something with um…you know when people…" she stammered. _Way to lose your cool, Cho_.

"No, I mean, what did you say to the door knocker?" he explained calmly.

"Oh…well I guessed a wolfwere, but that was 20 minutes ago," _K-rap!_

Gregory turned to the doorknocker, thankfully not lingering on Cho and her idiosity. _That's a funny word…Shut up, Shut up, SHUT UP!_

"A werewolf?" he asked and the door swung open to reveal the wide circular splendor that was the Ravenclaw common room. He stepped inside, clearly impressed, with his trunk in hot pursuit.

"Huh? How does that work?" Cho trotted after him.

Gregory turned and grinned boyishly, "A man that turns into a werewolf _and back,_ meaning that at some point in the lycanthropic process a wolf turns back into a man," he explained to her.

_Well there you go, wolfwere wasn't that far off!_

"Your Cho Chang, right?"

"Yeah, I am, Your name is Hugh isn't it?"

He extended a slender hand "Yeah, but call me something with a bit more of an edge if you can, something like "The Ultimate Gregory" or "The Hugh-meister","

"But I thought your last name was Jeego?" She teased innocently.

"Huge Ego? That's clever, that's reeaal clever. Point to you," Hugh laughed. _Yes! This makes up for your utter idiosity! Funny word…Funny word…_

"I can tell what Cedric sees in you,"

_Funny funny funny word … ehehehe – WHAT?_

"Cedric? See's in _me_?" not this again, she thought the whole Diggory dilemma was over by now.

"Well, you see, I'm going to Hogsmeade with Ginny Weasley, but ... I don't know that much about her and it'll probably be really awkward."

"You don't really seem like the kind of person who gets nervous on first dates," Cho noted, at ease now that she was the calm and collected one. Of course, part of her ease had been disrupted at the mention of Ginny Weasley, who would now be labelled as the new-boy-stealing slut.

Hugh looked helpless, "But this is _Ginny Weasley_, what if we have nothing to talk about! We need _something _to talk about!"

"So you want me and Cedric there to break the ice?"

"If it wouldn't be to much trouble,"

Cho bit her lip and made a carefully crafted face, just enough to let Hugh know he was asking too much. Guys couldn't say no to this face. She used it often.

"Please Cho?" _oh hello puppy dog eyes, I wondered when you'd turn up. _"I don't look good in gauche, it makes my eyes look squinty."

"But me and Cedric have our own sheet of ice, much thicker than yours, a simple joke won't just clear everything up." Cho explained, face intact ... which is good because if her face werent intact she'd look reeeeaaaaal wierd.

"You want that sheet of ice to go away?" Hugh asked raising his eyebrows, "I can guarantee you that once we all get out there it will be fun, it will be happy and it will be an unforgettable experience. Ice, broken."

* * *

"60 kilo penguin!" Hugh hollered as the freezing little foursome took their first icy steps out of the castle; Cedric looking dreamily at Cho, Ginny looking unnerved at the added couple and Cho looking expectantly at Mr. Guarantee-a-good-time Gregory.

"60 kilo penguin?" Ginny cocked an eyebrow.

"Just trying to _break the ice_!"

It was going to be a long and tiresome trip, and the road to Hogsmeade seemed icy as ever.

**No, of course I didn't forget...**

"Hey guys! Wait up!" Neville fought his way through the snow towards them. The gay little quintet turned to see him running towards them.

"Guys! I have important things to tell you! They _actually have something to do with the storyline_!! Harry's been having these dreams and -"

_POOF_

A giant chicken stood before them, clearly disapointed at not being able to explain the true events of the 5th novel.

Far far away the people at Warner Brothers laughed their heads off ...

**Sorry about the whole not-updating-for-basically-6-months thing. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, I felt it was a bit rushed, what do guys think?**


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